The Funny
by Goldilocks and Briar Rose
Summary: A story of a girl named Kris who gets to spend a day with a Lord of the rings superstar! There are many puns on other movies and shows too. Chapter 8 has been uploaded! Sorry about the weird spacing, I tried to fix it but it wouldn't change!.. r/r
1. The Poor Pathetic Peachy Pigmented Pinky

Chapter I: The Poor Pathetic Peachy Pigmented Pinky  
  
  
"Mmm.. that was a good, nice, veggie salad. No meat what so ever!" Kris beamed with a bright, proud smile across her face. She walked out of the cafe, the glass door closing silently behind her. Pushing back a lock of her short blonde hair, her blue eyes fell on her fingers. "Oh my gosh, oh no!" she cried in utter disbelief. "How could this have happened!" Tears welling up in her shimmering eyes. "My pinky nail is broken." She began to sob uncontrollably. Steadying her breathing, and gaining control of her emotions like Spock on Star Trek, she quickly pulled out her purse and muttered, "It's okay, I'll live as long as I can find a nail file." For nearly ten minutes, she stood there, rummaging insanely through her purse to find nothing but a few hundred dollar bills.  
  
"Ahhh!!!" she cried, bursting into another set of tears. "I don't have my file with me!" But she had found some nice tissues for her to blow her nose with. She did so, and regained control of her emotions like Spock on Star Trek.  
  
Taking a deep breath of the fresh air and gazing down at her poor pathetic peachy pigmented pinky, she bravely took a step forward, then another, then another, then another, then another, then another, then another, and BOOM! She ran directly into someone or something. Since she had been so absorbed in staring sadly at her poor pathetic peachy pigmented pinky, she had not seen who or what was coming at her. Falling onto her popo, she cried out in pain, "Oh watch where you're going you stupid idiot! Look you made me break another nail!" This of course, was a lie, because she had only further broken more of her poor pathetic peachy pigmented pinky nail.  
  
"Oh, I'm soooooooooooo sorry," the someone or something apologized. Her heart stopped, no not literally, but it did make her go into a fit of hysteria. Was it he? Could it be? Should she see? Or should she flee? Was it him from the Bumblebee? Did he know Christopher Lee? Was he that friend of old Samwise Gamgee? She looked up, first at his knee. Then she looked at him with glee. Yes, yes it was he! It could be! She should see! She did not flee! He was from Bumblebee! He did know Christopher Lee! He was the friend of Samwise Gamgee! Then, she fainted.  
  
  
  
  
****Author's note: Who could it be? Well, you just have to wait and see! Unless you are smart like Sam Gamgee. Or you, too, know Christopher Lee, and have seen the Bumblebee. But please, do not flee, but continue to r/r.**** 


	2. The Search for Mithril

Chapter II: The Search for Mithril  
  
  
Her eyes fluttered, and her head swam in a sea of darkness. But there was the light at the end of   
  
the tunnel. She ran to it, and there he was waiting for her with his baby blue eyes sparkling. She   
  
came to! He was holding her in his arms with a concerned look etched upon his face. "Are you   
  
alright?" he whispered gently.  
  
  
Her heart began to beat faster and louder at the sound of his voice. "Oh, I'm alright. I'm not hurt."   
  
"You should be dead! That would have skewered a wild boar!" he muttered in awe of her quick   
  
healing abilities.  
  
  
"What the heck are you talking about?" she asked astutely.  
  
  
"I think there is more to this girl than meets the eye," he stated, beginning to unbutton her blouse.   
  
She slapped him!!!   
  
  
"This is not in the Mines of Moria! And I'm not wearing mithril!" she shouted, slapping him again.  
  
  
He rubbed his reddened cheek soothingly and stared at the her in wonder. "I have never met   
  
someone so bold as to actually slap me. You are full of surprises, miss..uh.. miss..."  
  
  
''My name is Krissy!" she answered in high pitched girly voice. Clearing her throat, she restated   
  
with a much deeper tone, "I mean my name is Kris."  
  
  
"Nice to meet you, Miss Kris!" he stated with a happy, go-lucky smile. "My name is--"  
  
  
"Oh, don't worry! I know who you are!" she interrupted with a slight, flirtatious giggle. He helped   
  
her to her feet and took her by the hand.  
  
  
"Will you spend the afternoon walking about town with me?" he asked with a deep, booming,   
  
manly voice. He cleared his throat. "Sorry about that," he stated in his higher pitched, more   
  
naturally feminine voice, "will you spend the afternoon walking about town with me?"  
  
  
"Cool!" she said, releasing his hand and skipping chipperly forward. He smiled and ran after her.   
  
She suddenly stopped and he accidentally ran into her knocking her to her knees causing her poor   
  
pathetic peachy pigmented pinky nail to break once more. "Arggh! You stupid, short, uhhh thing!!!   
  
Do you have to keep doing that?!"   
  
  
But he was not looking at her, but instead up at a building that stated, **5 Dollar Friday! Come   
  
watch a movie!** "Wow," he muttered in awe. "Only five bucks! Compared to the normal 20, that's   
  
some deal!" He turned and helped Kris to her feet as he asked, "Wanna go to a movie, it's on me!"  
  
  
"Cool!" she said, releasing his hand and skipping chipperly forward. He smiled and ran after her.   
  
She suddenly stopped and he careened passed her and smashed into the glass door, squishing   
  
himself up like a bug that just hit a windshield of a hover car. "Dorko! That's a door! Not a   
  
wormhole ((like in Star Trek))! Now hold it open for me like a gentlemen should!" He slid off of the   
  
glass and onto the cement, and tugged it open.  
  
  
She stepped over his body and entered the theatre. He pulled himself to his feet and followed her.   
  
  
"What will I see?" he asked suspiciously, like he was in some dream.  
  
  
"Even the wisest cannot tell. For the theatre shows many things. Things that were, things that   
  
are, and some things.... that have not yet come to pass," the ticket salesperson answered   
  
mysteriously.  
  
  
Kris looked at the woman like she was some naive fungal creature from a distant galaxy like in   
  
Star Trek. "What the heck are you talking about?!" she shouted, very upset.  
  
  
"Shhhh..." the ticket lady responded. "Let him gaze into the listings of movies."   
  
  
"Well," he said, "this is a tough one. Behind door number One, there is the 5 year anniversary of   
  
Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. Behind door number Two, there is the 5 year   
  
anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. Behind door number Three, there is   
  
the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. Behind door number Four,   
  
there is the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. Behind door   
  
number Five, there is the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring.   
  
Behind door number Six, there is the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the   
  
Ring. Behind door number Seven, there is the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the Rings: the   
  
Fellowship of the Ring. Behind door number Eight, there is the 5 year anniversary of Lord of the   
  
Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. And behind door number Nine, there is the 5 year anniversary of   
  
Black Hawk Down."  
  
  
"Oh!" Kris shouted joyously. "Let's watch Black Hawk Down!!!" Suddenly, it seemed as though a   
  
dark shadow cast over her colleague, and he grew suddenly vicious and..... dark.  
  
  
"Noooooo," he whispered in a scratchy, deep, hoarse voice. "We will not!"  
  
  
"But you just want to see Lord of the Rings for yourself!" she shouted defensively.  
  
  
"Miss Kris, do not take me for some conjurer of cheap movie tickets. I'm not trying to rob you!" he   
  
shouted, growing suddenly tall and scary looking and.... dark. Then he shrank back to his meager,   
  
happy chipper old self. "I'm trying to help you!" He laughed happily.  
  
  
"Ohh," she groaned with sudden realization, and she ran forward and embraced him. "You're right.   
  
We must pass through door number Four." Then, he bought her ticket for her and a large popcorn   
  
and a large Dr. Pepper and a large bag of Skittles and a large foam finger that said number Four   
  
and a large cardboard cutout of Christopher Lee. Then, they proceeded into the theatre, and sat   
  
down.  
  
  
  
****Author's Note: Who could it be? What will they do for three hours all alone in a dark theatre?   
  
Read on to find out!**** 


	3. Shutup! Riiighttt! and Some German

Chapter III: Shutup! Riiighttt! and Some German  
  
  
  
**"I made a promise, Mister Frodo, a promise! 'Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee!' And I don't mean to... I don't mean to!" Samwise told Frodo with tears running down his already sopping face.   
  
"Oh, Sam!" Frodo muttered, embracing his colleague like a brother, and they both wept like women.**  
  
"Man!" Kris's friend said with wide blue eyes. "These guys are some good actors! Wouldn't you agree, Miss Kris!" He looked to his side. "Kris?"  
  
Beside him, she was embracing her cardboard cut-out of Christopher Lee, and sobbing like a little girl. "Oh my gosh," he said with worry, "did you break another nail?"  
  
"No," she sobbed, a dribble running from her nose. "NO!" She wiped her puffy, red eyes and explained, "It's just so beautiful! Sam's devotion to Frodo!"  
  
"Riiightttt..." he muttered sceptically. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a great movie, but it's nothing to go crying about.... is it? I mean, they're crying like babies! You can't help but feel that they might be somewhat embarrassed with their roles!"  
  
"Shutup!!!!!" she shouted at him angrily. "I told you we should have gone to see Black Hawk Down! If we had, i wouldn't be sobbing like this. It's all your fault!!!"  
  
Raising his hands defensively, he replied, "Sorry, I just really like this movie, and the guy that plays Frodo is one of my favorite actors!!!"  
  
Kris looked at him as though he were a furry little squeaky purring tribble (like in Star Trek). "You're insane!!! Look at the credits. It's over!"  
  
"What, I don't want us to break up!" he cried in anguish.  
  
"No, you idiot, the movie is over," she said astutely. "And look at the credits."  
  
"Oh," he muttered and glanced at the screen just as the name **Elijah Wood** popped up. "AHHHH!!!" he shouted in shock. "What am I doing on the credits???"  
  
"You fool! You are Frodo Baggins!!!" she said in almost as much shock as he, considering that he forgot after only five years. "Don't you remember??"  
  
"Of course I do," he said, his eyes rolling. "I just forgot!"  
  
"What?!" she shouted. For an actor he was really strange, but wait, that isn't all that uncommon.  
  
"I mean, I just wanted to see if you'd notice it was me. Of course I remember, I was just testing you," he explained with a smug grin.  
  
"Riiiighttt..." she muttered sceptically. "Let's go before the guys with the sweepers kick us out. They may think we are up to something."  
  
"Gute Idee," he replied with a perfect German accent.   
  
"Since when could you speak German?" she asked.  
  
"I learned it from my dialect coach while on the set of Lord of the Rings," he answered with precise clarity. "Ich spreche gute Deutsch."  
  
"I'm so happy you speak good german!" she said sarcastically. "Now let's go, that sweeper man is giving me dirty looks!"  
  
They proceded out of the room and there to greet him was the ticket lady who had just walked out of door number Three. "I know what it is you saw," she stated mysteriously, "for it is also in my mind."  
  
"No it's not, you just watched the same movie just behind a different door!" Kris shouted in anger.  
  
"Shutup!!!" The ticket lady shouted. "Can't you see that I'm trying to put the moves on Lij here?" She gestured toward Elijah who was gazing fixedly at Kris's broken pinky nail.  
  
"Don't listen to her, Elijah! She's just like the rest of those celebrity worshipers who try to reel you into their little traps!" Kris warned sending the ticket lady a sharp glance.  
  
"I know what I have to do," he muttered, "but I'm afraid to do it!"   
  
"What is that?" the ticket lady asked mysteriously.  
  
"I have to take Kris and leave quickly so that she doesn't break that nail anymore. We must go to the nail salon alone!" He sent a very angry, warning glance to the Ticket lady. "That means no ticket ladies!!!!"  
  
He took her by the hand and briskly jogged out of the theatre, leaving the foam finger behind. Kris refused to let go of her cardboard cut-out of Christopher Lee. They stopped by the salon and Elijah bought her a nice, new, ten dollar file (quite cheap those days!)  
  
"So, where do we go from here?" Kris asked happily as they strode out of the salon.  
  
"Look!" Elijah shouted. "A Chucky Cheese! Gehen wir! ((Let's go: german))".  
  
  
  
****Author's Note: Next chapter they procede to Chucky Cheese for a fun-filled ten minutes! Stay where you are**** 


	4. Carpe Diem, Dude!

Chapter IV: Carpe Diem, Dude!  
  
  
  
Stepping into the Chucky Cheese with a broad, boyish smile, Elijah gazed at all the young children running around with screams of joy. Giggling excitedly, Elijah grabbed Kris by the hand and pulled her toward the many tubes, slides, and "ball chambers". When they reached the first opening, he shoved Kris in, and she tried vainly to pull in the cardboard cut-out of Christopher Lee, but its 2 dimensional form wouldn't allow it to fit.   
  
"Oh, just leave it!" Elijah shouted, pulling it out of her hands.   
  
"Nooooo!!!" Kris cried, on the verge of burning tears.   
  
"Okay, I'll pay this nice looking young man to guard it!" he said, grabbing a random boy from a crowd of children. He shoved several hundred dollar bills into the boy's pocket, and gave him illicit instructions as to how to watch the cut-out "or else".  
  
Then, they crawled into the tubes, Elijah pushing Kris's popo to push her quickly away from the cut-out. The first turn they reached was clogged up with a group of four six year old boys arguing over a pokemon card of charzard, "worth a million dollars", as one boy shouted.   
  
"Get out of the way!" Elijah called, barreling through the crowd of boys, shoving several against the tube walls. He laughed mischeviously and purposefully pushed a girl head first into a pile of plastic, multi-colored balls. "Hehehe," he laughed, "I am the master of the tubes!!! Hahahaha!" And shoved two children down a slide.  
  
"Elijah," Kris called from behind him, "Be gentle, they're only like eight years old, and you're well, twenty-six!"  
  
"Oh," he argued childishly, "and how old might you be??? Hmmmm...."   
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" Kris asked.  
  
"Hahaha! You can't answer, can you? You're too afraid, because you know you'll lose this arguement!!!" He taunted, pointing his finger at her and sticking out his tongue.  
  
"Whoever told me that guys mature after high school was dead-wrong!" she muttered to herself. "It seems to me as though their minds go into recession."   
  
"Don't worry," Elijah responded, "you won't find any guys like me!!! I'm one of a kind!"  
  
"Oh, that's comforting," she mumbled, rolling her eyes.  
  
Finally, they reached the last slide, and Elijah pulled Kris in front of him and sat her down. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and shouted, "Look out below!" Then he pushed them off, careening wrecklessly downward.   
  
Kris felt a pang of guilt as they stampeded over several unsuspecting children. They tumbled out the bottom of the slide to land at the feet of a giant, stern looking mouse.   
  
"Hey, Chucky," Elijah greeted with a wide, innocent smile. "Nice place you have here. Lots of nice, innocent children running around with wreckless abandon."  
  
"I have reports that you have been treating those children with disrespect and your own wreckless abandon!" Chucky stated in a deep, booming voice. He cleared his throat. "Sorry," he said in a high pitched, mousey voice. "Now get out!"  
  
"Yes, Sir," Elijah receded with a firm salute. And they left, but not until Kris got back the cardboard cut-out of Christopher Lee. Outside on the street, Elijah said, "Now what do you want to do?"  
  
"Well, I need my exercise this week, so let's go to my weekly ballet class," Kris replied, stroking Christopher Lee's cut-out shoulder gently.  
  
"No, let's go to the aerobics class at the gym," Elijah protested. "You see, if I go to that ballet class, the guys in your college class will think I'm gay!"  
  
"Oh, don't worry," Kris countered, placing a hand under his chin, "they already do."  
  
"Oh, well, in that case, Carpe Diem, dude!" he cried. "Let's get in touch with my artistic side!"  
  
"Uhh, Elijah, you're an actor!" Kris replied.   
  
"So?"  
  
"So, you life is centered around performing arts," she answered.  
  
"Oh yeah, well who cares.... Gehen Wir!!!" He shouted and proceded down the street with Kris close behind, with her cardboard cut-out of Christopher Lee.  
  
  
****Author's Note: Next chapter: the ballet class and the movie store! Which movies will they choose for the evening? R/r to find out!**** 


	5. Ballet and Blockbuster

Chapter V: Ballet and Blockbuster  
  
  
"Now, Kris, show everyone how to do a proper plie in fourth position. It seems as though some students have forgotten how to tuck in their popos," the instructor commanded Kris gently.   
  
Kris stepped out into the middle of the floor, dressed in her normal black, sleeveless leotard and tan tights, and knee long, pink warm-up skirt. She assumed fourth position, placing her right foot forward and placing it at a sixty degree angle. Her left foot was about six inches behind her right, at a sixty degree angle opposite of her other foot. Then, she brought her right arm arching above her head, and her left arm arching out to the side of her. Slowly and smoothly, she bent her knees and sank a few inches, her backside straight as a board. She brought herself up straight, and gracefully pulled out of the fourth, and made a slight curtsy to return to her spot at the Bar.  
  
Her teacher aplauded her in pride and informed her students, "Now that is how it's to be done. Bravo, Kris!" Kris smiled humbly and curtsyed again with her fellow classmates sending her envious glares.  
  
"Wow!" Elijah whispered from behind her. "That was beautiful. I've never seen such a beautiful pl.. uhh.. pl-pl"  
  
"It's called a Plie," she finished with a quick, superior smile. Again, more students sent her envious glares, and Kris knew why. Elijah was dressed in tight, black leggings with no shirt, showing off his six pack and awesome elvish tatoo. His dark brown hair was cut short and tipped with blonde highlights. His big, baby blue eyes sparkled in the florescent light that reflected off the wooden floor, giving his eyes crystal dimensions. "Gosh, you're hot," she whispered.  
  
"What?!" he asked, a little shocked.  
  
"Uhh, golly it's hot in this room," she recovered. "I think I'm gonna get a drink of water, and ask Madame Boogiewoogie if I can sit out and watch the rest."  
  
"What about me?" he asked, feeling unsure of himself.  
  
"You're gonna dance with the rest of the ladies in the room!" she commanded. "Do you have a problem with that?"  
  
"Well no," he mumbled, turning away, and then he growled, "and yes. Now it comes to it. I don't feel like dancing with them! You brought me here, you ran into me!"  
  
"There's no need to get angry," Kris scolded.  
  
"What if I'm angry, it's your fault!" he screamed, very upset. The girls in the room had now turned all attention to the two of them.  
  
"Jeez, I think those leggings are so tight that they're cutting off the circulation to your brain," she stated, also very upset. "Just calm down. You're overreacting!"  
  
"I'm not overreacting!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "You're the one who wants to make a fool out of me. You know I don't dance ballet!"  
  
"News flash, Elijah," she stated bluntly, "you don't have to worry about being made a fool of. Because, if you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a dance floor, arguing over leggings!!!"  
  
He slowly looked around him to see all the women staring oddly at him. "Oh," he whispered. "Hehe, hi!" He waved his fingers meekly. "How you all doing?" He looked at Kris, his big blue eyes rimmed with tears, "I wanna go home..." he whispered pathetically.  
  
Feeling suddenly sorry for him like Elijah had felt for the cave troll that Legolas shot in Lord of the Rings, Kris gently reached out and rubbed his shoulder, and said, "Okay, Lij, let's go..."  
  
With that, they strode out of the room and into the dressing chamber. They changed into their street clothes, Kris in denim capris and blue button-up blouse, and Elijah in baggy khakis and neon orange shirt that stated: "Kiss me, I'm Irish!"   
  
"Are you really Irish?" Kris asked in curiosity.  
  
"Hmm.. that's a good question. I'll have to ask Mommy about that one," he answered with an innocent glimmer in his eyes.  
  
They left the dance school, but not before Elijah ran into the glass door yet again. Walking back down the street, they saw a Blockbuster Video Store. "Oooh," Elijah squealed, "Let's get some movies to watch. Do you wanna come to my apartment for the evening? This is my last night in Tulsa before I have to go to LA to film another movie, and I helped write the screenplay. We're almost finished writing it!"  
  
"Wait, you haven't even finished the screenplay and you already have started filming?" Kris asked.   
  
"Well, we are having trouble with the name of our heroine, and we don't know how to end it," he explained, "but it's gonna be great!"  
  
"Cool!" she said and skipped chipperly forward. He smiled and ran after her. They walked into Blockbuster, and began to search for DVD's to watch.  
  
"Look, Miss Kris, they have so many awesome DVD's!" Elijah exclaimed. "Like the Good Son, North, Flipper, Deep Impact, The Falculty, The Bumblebee Flies Anyway, Chain of Fools, The War, The Ice Storm, Black and White, Radio Flyer, Huck Finn, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy."  
  
"Hmm... I wonder why you like them so much?" she asked sarcastically.   
  
"Let's get these," he said, grabbing Deep Impact, the Bumblebee Flies Anyway, and Flipper. "They're great love stories!!!"  
  
"Flipper?" she asked.  
  
"Ummm.. YEAH!" he said smiling broadly.  
  
"I don't know. I kinda wanted to get this," she said, holding up a DVD. His mouth dropped open and his eyes narrowed.  
  
"I refuse to get THAT m-m... that thing that has the nerve for calling itself a movie!" he argued with an evil, raspy voice.  
  
She looked at him in confusion. Maybe she had grabbed the wrong DVD. She looked at the cover, but, no, it was right, she meant to grab that one. Yes, it was.... Godzilla. She looked back at him, his face contorted to a look of longing to kill something slowly and painfully. "Okay..." she whispered, backing away in fright. Quickly, she slipped the movie back onto the shelf. The shadow passed.  
  
"Hey, I know," he giggled boyishly. "Let's get Braveheart!!!" He began jumping up and down in excitement saying, "Puhweeze, can we get it? Puhweeze..."  
  
"Fine," she snapped, grabbing the DVD's from his hands. "I wanna get out of here before anyone tries to call the hospital. Calm down and pay for these rentals."  
  
"Yay!" he shouted happily. Then, they walked to the counter and paid to rent them. Then, they headed for his apartment, but not before Elijah ran into the glass door for yet the third time.  
  
  
****Author's Note: What will happen this evening, with the two of them alone in his apartment? Will they get through all four movies? Find out Elijah's shocking secret aspiration and Kris's life-long desire and unbreakable addiction. All coming up next on The Funny.**** 


	6. The Sean Astin Special

Chapter VI: The Sean Astin Special   
  
  
  
Propping the Christopher Lee cardboard cut-out against the wall, Kris gazed about the apartment as Elijah went to the phone to order pizza for dinner. The apartment's walls were painted lavander with dark purple flowers, and the carpet was white, thick, and sooooo comfortable to step on. Several big bean bags were scattered about the living room, and there was a comfortable cushiony sofa in front of a big screen television. Surprisingly, the place was sparkling clean, and it even smelled of lemony freshness.  
  
She smiled and removed her shoes to walk about the room in striped toe-socks. She had changed into purple pajama pants, decorated with cows wearing halos and wings with such statements as "Holy Cow". She wore a loose t-shirt that stated, "Christopher Lee Forever." Elijah was still in his orange Irish t-shirt, but he had slipped into silky green pajama pants and huge gorilla slippers.  
  
"Yes, I would like a large cheese pizza..." Elijah was informing the man over the phone. "....No, not pepperoni, because my friend is a vegetarian so therefore, she won't eat meat!" Another pause. "...What?!.... The Sean Astin special? What the heck is that?........... You guys are giving away free breadsticks and coca-cola in honor of his birthday today?............ Of course I know who Sean Astin is.......... No, he's one of my best friends........ yes....... Arrggghh, just give us a large cheese pizza along with the Sean Astin Special if it's so important to you!" He glanced at Kris with a look of frustration across his face. "Okay, twenty minutes? Good, we'll be here...... How much?....... thirty..... okay." He hung up.  
  
"What was that all about?" Kris asked curiously.  
  
"Oh, the pizza place is giving away free breadsticks and coke in honor of Sean's birthday," Elijah explained. He looked so put off by that conversation.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"It's nothing, just, ummm, it makes you wonder why they didn't do that for my birthday?" he asked, frowning in envy.  
  
"Don't worry about it. They're just losing money, that's all," Kris explained. "Now let's start a movie before the pizza gets here."  
  
"Okay, let's watch Flipper to start," he said excitedly, putting in the DVD and flipping the TV on. Then he grabbed the remote and plopped onto the couch. Kris followed his lead and sat beside him. They got through twenty-three minutes of Flipper when there was a knock on the door. Kris got up and opened it.  
  
"Hi, we have a pizza for Mr. E Wood," the delivery boy stated.   
  
"Of course," Kris replied pulling money out of her wallet.  
  
"You're three minutes late, buster!" Elijah shouted from the couch. "Where's our refund?"  
  
The delivery boy frowned and began to refuse the money, but Kris shoved it into his hands anyway. "He's having a bad night. Not so happy with the person on the phone when he ordered," Kris explained. "And here's a ten for the tip..." The delivery boy took it with a grateful smile. Then he gave her the pizza, breadsticks, and Coke. "Thanks!"  
  
Then, she shut the door. "Lij, come get the pizza!" Elijah hopped off of the couch and grabbed the pizza. He then put it on the floor in front of the couch and opened the box.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!" he shouted in anger. "It's pepperoni!!!! Those stupid fools!!! I told them to give us cheese. I'm going to the pizza place right now and puching someone's lights out!!"  
  
"Lij! It's alright!" she stated. "I can just take the pepperonis off!"  
  
He looked up at her in wonder. "Are you sure?" She nodded. "Well, in that case.... can I have your pepperonis?" he asked humbly.  
  
"Sure," she said with a smile.  
  
"Gasp! We're missing Flipper!" he stated. Kris came and sat beside him and put the Coke and breadsticks next to the pizza. Elijah jumped up and got some paper plates and cups.   
  
They ate their pizza, breadsticks, and drank the Coca-cola, and watched the rest of Flipper. When it was over, they put in the Bumblebee Flies Anyway. After that and many a tear from Kris, they put in Deep Impact.   
  
After Deep Impact, it was nearly three o'clock in the morning, and Kris was sleeping on Elijah's shoulder. He stirred her awake and removed the DVD.  
  
  
****Author's Note: Only one more movie left to watch! Will they be able to finish it? What is Elijah's secret ambition, and Kris's unbreakable addiction and life long dream? Will Kris stay awake for all of Braveheart? Stay tuned to find out.**** 


	7. Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea?

Chapter VII: Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea?  
  
"Okay," Elijah said excitedly, "time to watch Braveheart!!!"  
  
"Ohhh, Lij," Kris groaned, "I'm soooo tired. We've been up all night."  
  
"Here this should keep you awake," he said, shoving a French Vanilla Cappucino into her hands.  
  
"Sorry, Lij, I don't drink any sort of coffee," Kris replied.  
  
"What a great time to start drinking it!" he said, putting Braveheart in the DVD player. Resignedly,   
she decided to recede, knowing that he had to leave on a four p.m. flight to LA. For the first time   
she sipped the coffee. And it tasted really good. By the time they were an hour into Braveheart,   
Kris had drank three cappucinos.  
  
She was jumping up and down on the couch throwing popcorn at Elijah who was guarding himself   
with a cloud shaped pillow when suddenly he reached up and grabbed her wrist. Pulling her down   
to her knees with her head in his lap, he shouted, "You can't watch, this is not suitable for your   
eyes!"   
  
"Come on, Lij," she shouted, struggling to get her head up, but he was holding her down hard. "I've   
seen plenty a movie like this."  
  
"No!" he commanded. "You shouldn't be exposed to such content. Just wait until it's over."  
  
"Can I at least put my head somewhere more comfortable?" Kris asked.  
  
"No! You might see the scene!" he commanded.  
  
"Ughhh..." she groaned. After five minutes, he let her up to watch. After awhile the movie finally   
was over. "Wait a minute Lij why did you want to get those three movies, the ones that were love   
stories you just happened to be in?" she asked looking at him suspiciously.  
  
"Ummm, because I love love stories, don't you? hehehe," he said laughing weakly.  
  
"If that were true," she said crossly, "then you wouldn't be acting like you were lying." She paused   
and then shouted, "You wanted me to be jealous of those girls, didn't you?"  
  
"No, of course not," he denied.  
  
"I'm leaving," she siad as she got up from the couch and headed for the door.  
  
"No, please," he cried running in front of her, "I'll do anything."  
  
"Hmmm, anything? Okay, I won't leave if you own Black Hawk Down and if we can watch it," she   
said with her arms crossed.  
  
Fear came into his eyes and he whispered, "No, please anything, but that."  
  
"Then I guess I'm leaving," she replied starting to go around him.  
  
"Alright," he said weakly, "I'll do it." He slowly walked over to where he kept his DVD's and pulled   
one off the shelf. He started to bending the case as though he was going to break it, but she quickly ran   
over and grabbed it from him. She popped it into the DVD player and plopped herself onto the couch.   
He slowly walked over and sat beside her.  
  
As the movie started she said, "I thought guys liked war movies." She looked over at him and saw   
tears in his eyes. "Oh, come on, its not that bad," she said punching his arm lightly. His tear filled   
eyes looked into hers, "Fine," she said angerly, "if you are going to be that way I will turn it off."   
She went over and shut off the DVD player and the TV and sat down on the couch.   
  
"Come, Lass," he said in a Scottish accent and with a smile on his face, "I have something to tell   
you." He led her to the television and knelt her below him. Placing a hand on her shoulder, he   
said, "Watching Braveheart gave me an idea." Kris's heart started to beat so loudly she was sure that   
Elijah would hear it. "Now, I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I know this is the right thing   
to do."   
  
"Wh-What exactly are you implying?" she said looking up into his face with fear and anxiety.  
  
"I really think that I need to do this as a man. I've prepared myself for this moment all my life. I   
have always wanted to do this," he stated seriously.  
  
"I don't think I am ready for this," she let out meekly.  
  
"Well, you have to be ready. I'm not going to let someone ruin my dreams this time. I've put this   
off for far to long. I regret to inform you that this is the end. I am going now, I bid you a very fond   
farewell...goodbye," with that he strode into his bedroom. Right before he disappeared into the room   
he stuck his head through the doorway and said with a mischievous grin on his face, "I'm going to   
slip into something more comfortable."  
  
She sat on the couch looking at the door a moment then went and got the remote and turned   
Black Hawk Down back on. When she heard the door opening she quickly turned off the TV.   
There standing in the doorway was Elijah with a big smile on his face. She looked down to see   
what else he was wearing. He was still wearing his orange shirt. She continued to look down and   
she saw... a kilt? He was wearing a green kilt? She looked down and saw he was no longer wearing   
shoes, exposing his big, dirty, hairy, sweaty, sexy, hobbit feet.  
  
"Is this what you have always wanted to do?" Kris said slowly while looking at him as though he   
was crazy.  
  
"Yep," he said with a huge smile and a look of success. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he   
looked down at himself. "Oh my gosh, how could I be so blind? I am so sorry you had to see   
that." He quickly pulled his shirt off.  
  
Kris jumped off the couch and screamed, "Elijah, what are you doing?"  
  
"I can't believe I did that," he said shaking his head. "Green and neon orange clash soooo badly   
and to make matters worse I am wearing a Scottish kilt while my shirt says I'm Irish, and boy   
does that clash. I was afraid my cloths were going to start fighting," he said seriously.  
  
Although Kris heard all of this, she had not been looking at Elijah's face while he was talking, instead   
she noticed he had a nice six-pack and she was studying his tatoo. "You know," said Kris, "I have   
always wanted a tatoo."  
  
"You should get one," he said excitely. "They are soooo awsome."  
  
"Alright, alright I will. As long as you calm down and put something else on because as far as I can   
tell all you are wearing nothing but the kilt," she said suspiciously.  
  
Turning a little red, he said, "Of course I will go and put something else on." With that he went   
back into his room.  
  
Kris then turned Black Hawk Down again and then when she thought she heard the door opening   
she turned it off. When she looked over and saw it wasn't open she turned the movie back on for   
the third time. After a few minutes she thought she heard the door opening again so she quickly   
shut it off.   
  
Standing in the doorway was Elijah. Two things about him hadn't changed he still had bare big,   
dirty, hairy, sweating, sexy, hobbit feet and he still had a big smile on his face. Then she noticed   
another thing hadn't change he was also still wearing the kilt, but he was wearing one more thing   
her body went rigid and she glared at him. "I refuse to go anywhere with you when you are looking   
like that, " she said in a deep, evil, hoarse voice.  
  
"Why?" he asked confused.  
  
"Please tell me you are joking Elijah," she said trying to hold back her angry.  
  
He looked down at himself and then back up at her with the same confused look. "You, idiot,   
when I said 'put something else on' I meant some with cloths," she shouted at him.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, "but you didn't say that. Besides what's wrong with the way I look?"  
Sitting down on the couch so that she wouldn't suddenly run over and strangle him, or if she did it   
would give him more of a chance to run, she stated, "You put on blue 'war' paint."  
  
"Yes, I know, but I don't understand why you are upset about it," he replied.  
  
"Elijah, you can't wear that in public," she shouted in distress.  
  
"Fine," he said sulking. "I'm going to get a shower and you can watch the telly."  
  
He walked into the the bathrooom and slammed the door. Once Kris heard the water running she   
turned on Black Hawk Down for the fourth time. After about ten minutes she looked at the clock,   
"Sponge Bob is on, and I'm going to miss it." She turned off the DVD and flipped the station to   
Sponge Bob.  
  
"Are you ready kids?" the pirate man called.   
  
"Aye, aye, captain!" they replied.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"  
  
"Sponge Bob Square Pants!"  
  
Kris clapped her hands. "Good," she said, "I didn't miss the beginning." While   
watching Sponge Bob she changed back into her other clothes.  
  
A little while later Elijah came out with the clothes he had on earlier and wet hair. "Can you be   
seen in public with me looking like this," he said sulkingly.  
  
"Of course, Lij," she said chipperly, running over to hug him. "Are you ready to go?"  
  
"Yeah," he said a small smile on his face.  
  
They walked out of his apartment and to the glass elevator, after they got the bottom floor Elijah   
started walking out and ran into the glass, the fourth door that day. "I hate these new elevators," he   
said rubbing his nose, "you have to press open, they don't open automatically."  
  
They walked down the street the the tatoo parlor. "Hmmm," she Kris thinking, "where should I get   
my tatoo? I know! On my wrist like Orlando Bloom."  
  
"No," he shouted objectively, "I don't want you to do anything like Orlando Bloom! You are far too obsessed   
with him, and not with me!"  
  
"Okay, fine, then on the back of my shoulder like Ian McKellen."  
  
"No," he shouted objectively, "why would you want something done like Ian McKellan. Wait, you   
don't like him do you cause, you know he's--"  
  
Kris interrupted angerly, "No, I do not like Ian McKellan like that. He's one of my favorite actors and I   
know he's gay."  
  
"Okay, sorry, I was just checking."  
  
"Then, how about on my ankle like Sean Astin?" she asked.  
  
"Ok, first of all he's married, second would you please quick referring to places where my friends,   
who I know you like, got their tatoos."  
  
"Fine, then how bout I get it on the small of my back... or did one of your "cute" friends get a tatoo   
there?" she said, getting frustrated.  
  
"Okay," he said smiling.  
  
They walked in the tatoo parlor. She told the man at the desk where she wanted the tatoo and   
that she wanted angle wings each on one side of her spine, and he started leading her to the room where   
she would get it. Elijah followed but she stopped and said, "Sorry, Lij, but you can't watch."  
  
"What?" he said shocked. "Why not?"  
  
"You just can't."  
  
So he sat at the front of the shop waiting for her. Finally she came out and said, "You wanna see   
it now?"  
  
"Yes," he said anxiously.  
  
"Okay," she said pulling up the back of her shirt. He looked at the tatoo, it was beautiful.  
Two feathered wings, each four inches long, were drawn skillfully, one on each side of her spine,  
resting just above her popo.  
  
"Umm, it's looks really good,"he said softly. "So you want to go eat a late lunch."  
  
"Cool," she said skipping chipperly forward.  
  
They went to the cafe that she had had lunch at the day before. Kris, with a huge headache, had two more  
cappucinos.   
  
"You don't wanna drink too much of that stuff!" Elijah informed her. "It's addictive."  
  
"You're the one who got me hooked on it in the first place!" Kris said playfully.  
  
After lunch Elijah checked his watch and said, "Kris it's time for me to go to the airport."  
  
  
  
  
****Author's Note: Will Elijah make his flight? What will happen before he sadly leaves?   
Keep reading to find out.**** 


	8. The Breaking of This Particular Fellowsh...

Chapter VIII: The Breaking of This Particular Fellowship  
  
  
They both walked out of the cafe, and Elijah gazed up and down the street, trying to make a decision.   
"You know," he said, "instead of walking all the way to the airport, let's take my Farrari."  
  
"Wait a minute," Kris said, "are you telling me that this whole time, you have had a car?"  
  
"Of course," he stated, "I mean I am an actor.... who earns lots of Geld."  
  
"Will you quit switching back and forth from English to German?" Kris said, frustrated. "It's   
annoying!"  
  
"Okay, well let's go," he stated.  
  
"Wait, what color is your car?" she asked. "I only ride in cars that are certain colors."  
  
"Why is that?" he asked, confused.  
  
"Obsessive compulsive disorder," she said bluntly and flatly.  
  
"Riiighhht," he said, "well, it's red."  
  
"Okay then," she replied, "Gehen wir!"  
  
"Wait, I thought we were going to stop with the German!" Eiljah commanded.  
  
"Oh, who cares!" Kris announced with a wave of her hand. "Besides, it's an awesome language!   
Why should we fear to use it?"  
  
"Not all the nazis have been accounted for," he stated, fear in his eyes, "we do not know who else   
may be listening." He grasped her hand firmly to get her attention.  
  
"Shutup, Lij. You know, for a hobbit, you keep pretty good company!" she said, releasing his hand.  
  
They went to his apartment, got his bag for the plane and got into his Farrari hover car. When they made it  
to the airport, Elijah went to the ticket counter to get his boarding pass.   
  
"Take it, Mr. Wood," the ticket lady said, handing him the boarding pass.  
  
Elijah backed away in fright, and stared long at the pass. "No," he said, "you cannot offer me this boarding pass!"  
  
"I'm giving it to you!" she shouted anxiously.  
  
"Don't tempt me, Ticket Lady!" he shouted, eyes growing wide. "I dare not take it. You see, I would use this pass out of   
a desire to do good.... but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine!"  
  
"Just take the dang pass, Lij," Kris commanded with a slight smile.  
  
Reluctantly he muttered, "Okay." And he took the pass.  
  
When they reached the terminal, Elijah stopped, staring into it with anxiety. He turned, his blue eyes sparkling and whispered,  
"I'm a little nervous about flying in airplanes...."  
  
"You'll be okay," she muttered, her deep blue eyes shimmering in tears. "Hmmm... maybe I'll come to LA one day when I'm  
out of college."  
  
"I will go, and may you find a safer road!" he whispered, running a hand through a strand of her blonde hair. "God will look after you."  
  
With tears running down her defined cheeks, she cried in a whisper, "I don't suppose we shall see each other again."  
  
Wiping away her tears with a gentle hand, he smiled and stated, "Yet we may, Miss Kris... We may." And with that he leaned  
forward and pressed his lips to her. She melted into the kiss, running her fingers gently along the back of his neck. After a   
moment, they released each other and Elijah headed into the terminal. As he walked away, he glanced back at her with tears  
in his eyes. She gazed into his baby blues with tears in her own, then he turned a corner and was gone.  
  
"Hurry," the ticket lady commanded, "Mr. Wood has reached the plane." Kris simply stared down at her hands, a tear falling to   
fingers. "You mean not to follow him..." she stated quietly.  
  
"Elijah's fate is no longer in my hands," Kris said gently. Then she looked up and muttered to the Ticket Lady, "So it has all  
been in vain. This Fellowship has failed!"  
  
"But what if you stay true to each other?" the Ticket Lady said with wisdom in her voice. "You will always have left to live  
by. You have done what God wanted you to do."   
  
Kris stared at her and smiled, "You're right, ticket lady. I did what God sent me out to do. I am ready to go home!"  
  
And with that, Kris turned and proceeded out of the airport just as Elijah's plane flew over her head...  
  
  
****Author's Note: THE END!**** 


	9. The Unexpected Chapter: That's What Drea...

Chapter IX: The Unexpected Chapter: That's What Dreams Are Made Of!  
  
  
  
Kris sighed, laying over the blankets on her bed. She could feel herself wanting to cry, but she couldn't. It was stupid and childish to cry over such matters. Oh! but she missed him, even after only two hours. She rolled over to look at the clock radio, a shimmering tear streaking cross her face. 6 o'clock. She sighed again.  
  
Her eyes blinked, her lids getting heavy. She was so tired. It had been a long twenty-four hours. She pulled the covers over her and almost immediately fell asleep.   
* * *  
  
  
"Mmm.. that was a good, nice, veggie salad. No meat what so ever!" Kris beamed with a bright, proud smile across her face. She walked out of the cafe, the glass door closing silently behind her. Pushing back a lock of her short blonde hair, her blue eyes fell on her fingers. "Oh my gosh, oh no!" she cried in utter disbelief. "How could this have happened!" Tears welling up in her shimmering eyes. "My thumb nail is broken." She began to sob uncontrollably. Steadying her breathing, and gaining control of her emotions like Spock on Star Trek, she quickly pulled out her purse and muttered, "It's okay, I'll live as long as I can find a nail file." For nearly ten minutes, she stood there, rummaging insanely through her purse to find nothing but a few hundred dollar bills.  
  
"Ahhh!!!" she cried, bursting into another set of tears. "I don't have my file with me!" But she had found some nice tissues for her to blow her nose with. She did so, and regained control of her emotions like Spock on Star Trek.  
  
Taking a deep breath of the fresh air and gazing down at her thumb nail, she bravely took a step forward, then another, then another, then another, then another, then another, then another, and BOOM! She ran directly into someone or something. Since she had been so absorbed in staring sadly at her thumb nail, she had not seen who or what was coming at her. Falling onto her popo, she cried out in pain, "Oh watch where you're going you stupid idiot! Look you made me break another nail!" This of course, was a lie, because she had only further broken more of her thumb nail.  
  
"Oh, I'm soooooooooooo sorry," the someone or something apologized. Her heart stopped, no not literally, but it did make her go into a fit of hysteria. Was it he? Could it be? Should she see? Or should she flee? Was it him from Geometry? Did he know their World History? Was he that friend she never wish would be? She looked up, first at his knee. Then she looked at him with a plea. No, no! It was he! It could be! She did see! She wanted to flee! He was from Geometry! He did know World History! He was the friend she wish would never be! Then, she fainted.   
  
Well, actually she didn't faint, but instead jumped to her feet and looked down at the short, orc like ugly human being. "What are you doing here?!" she cried in disgust.  
  
Smiling smugly, he raised an eyebrow and said, "Hey, Baby!" And standing on tip-toe, he leaned up for the kiss.  
  
She slapped him hard and firm. He fell to the ground, crying like a baby. "Get away from me you pervert! I'm never going to ever go back out with you! So give up!"  
  
With tears sopping his face, he looked up at her and then ran away. For a moment, she almost felt sorry for the poor, pathetic, peachy pigmented, perverted ex-boyfriend. Then she began dusting off her clothes, vigorously, trying to rid herself of his cooties.  
* * *  
  
Kris awoke suddenly, sitting up in her bed. She was in her pajamas and her blonde hair was long, falling to her elbows. She glanced in her mirror to look into a pair of bright green eyes. "Whoa! What a nightmare!"  
* * *  
  
****Author's Note: Was the whole day with Elijah really reality or simply a dream? That's for us to know and you to figure out for yourselves! hahahaha!**** 


End file.
